These are the days of our lives

I should be at work today, but I'm using the fact that my car is making a very disconcerting noise to convince myself (and my boss) that I really should work from home today. I can be productive at home, I swear. Really. ... It's just that the tv is so tempting. And there are so many good things to read on the internet. Oh, and the bed, the bed looks so warm and inviting. Oh, let's face facts. The day is a wash. I guess I might as well go crawl into bed and watch some tv.

See, this is why I shouldn't be allowed to work from home. EVER.

I've been feeling very dissatisfied with my life lately. Not so much the generality of my existence - I'm pretty happy being me - but the feeling that I've done almost nothing of significance with my life so far. I'm still living in Michigan. I got a college degree that is practically useless. I have a job that I like, but that doesn't have any real stability to it. I'm not any closer to being married than I was back in high-school. In fact, the only real things that I have now that I didn't have in high-school are a dog and a mortgage payment.

I look at friends who have moved away or who are doing these amazing internships is places like Brazil and San Diego, and I wonder what is wrong with me that I am still here in the same place I was in when I graduated from high-school. Why did I not study abroad in Europe for a semester in college? Why didn't I spend a summer in some fun place like Martha's Vineyard or New York City, when money didn't matter and I had no real commitments? I had all these opportunities to get out and see the world and I never took any of them.

I go back and forth between wanting to just sell my house and join the peace corp, to thinking that it's too late and I'm too old to sacrifice everything and just go.

I am in such a funk right now.

Everybody's doing it ...

FOUR JOBS I HAVE HAD:
1. buser/ hostess - at this little Italian restaurant in my home-town. I loved it because I could sneak back into the kitchen and eat as much food as I could talk the chief's into preparing for me. Plus the waitresses taught me how to smoke pot - and I found out that, contrary to popular belief, you CAN get high the first time.
2. flower pusher - I ran the Sam's Club floral department, which actually only consisted of a small cart filled with buckets of pre-packaged flowers. I got very good at looking cute in my green apron, reading on the clock, and wandering around the store trying to look busy - oh, and making out with my boyfriend, who worked in the produce department, in the walk-in cooler.
3. nanny - In college I watched this little girl, Clare, three days a week. I got paid under the table and I could watch tv all I wanted. Best job ever. I worked for them for 3 years.
4. mortgage banker - my current gig. I've been doing this for over 3 years now, since I graduated from college, and I love it.

FOUR MOVIES I CAN WATCH OVER AND OVER:
1. Office Space - this movie is my life in so many ways
2. Groundhog's Day - it doesn't matter what part of the movie you come in at, you can just jump right in
3. 50 First Dates - don't ask me why, but this movie gets me everytime. I just love it.
4. Pulp Fiction - so many good lines

FOUR PLACES I HAVE LIVED:
1. Mt. Clemens, MI - born and raised
2. East Lansing, MI - during my most formative and life-shaping college years at Michigan State University
3. Sterling Heights, MI - with my Grandma for 6 months after I graduated, when I realized there was no way I could live with my parents ever again
4. Royal Oak, MI - finally bought my own house about 3 1/2 years ago, worth every penny

FOUR TV SHOWS I LOVE:
1. Gray's Anatomy - I dare you not to love this show!
2. The Daily Show - Oh, Jon Stewart, you with your sarcastic wit, how I adore you
3. Soprano's - counting down the days until the next season starts
4. Chappelle's Show - Dave, why have you forsaken us?

FOUR PLACES I HAVE VACATIONED:
1. Alaska - with my Grandmother, no less. If you have three hours, maybe I can show you all the pictures we took.
2. Michigan's Upper Peninsula - two weeks, crammed into a little Ford Tempo with my then-boyfriend, driving all over the place, camping the whole way.
3. Out West - every summer when I was growing up, my parents and I (and our dog and cat) would climb into the car and head out west . You name it, we saw it - The Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, The Rocky Mountains, etc. That's still how I love to travel. No destination, just pick a direction and go.
4. New York City - I got to stand at the top of the World Trade Center!

FOUR OF MY MOST FAVORITE THINGS TO EAT:
1. spaghetti with meat sauce
2. warm chocolate chip cookies
3. filet mignon, medium-rare
4. my Dad's hungarian goulash

FOUR SITES I VISIT DAILY:
1. Dooce
2. NY Times
3. Finslippy
4. Live Journal

Self enlightenment the good old fashioned way

Today I participated in my first Spinning class. According to a friend of mine, you are guaranteed to burn 1000 calories in 60 minutes. Self-imposed ass kicking at it's best. As the instructor is setting up my bike for me he says, "Your goal as a first-timer is simply to finish". Damn if that isn't the best introduction to a workout I've ever heard. Just finish.

I did indeed finish, and it ended up being as intense as everyone said it was going to be. My thighs were burning and my legs were all wobbly when I stepped off the bike. It was excruciating. I won't be able to walk for days. My legs are sore in places I didn't even know muscles existed. I absolutely loved it.

Lately I've been feeling very old. I came across some pictures a few days ago, some photos of me at my Senior Prom. I looked so glowingly happy and pretty that I barely recognized myself. It's hard to remember what it felt like to be 17. That girl in those pictures has no idea what cellulite or crow's feet are. She has no idea what it feels like the have her heart broken or what it's really like to stress about money.

These days I look in the mirror and all I can see are these adult realities staring right back at me. Where did all the innocence go? As far as I knew I still had a least a little of it left over, getting me ID'd at restaurants when I ordered a glass of wine with my steak, but lately it seems that my eyes give me away. They reveal my old spirit.

One of my New Year's resolutions was to spend some time rediscovering my inner child. I'm not really sure how to go about doing that, so instead I'm working on rediscovering my high-school ass through intense aerobics! Seems like a fair trade to me.

Lazy Saturday Breakfast

Five Guilty Pleasures

1. Smothering Nutella all over a banana and pretending it's healthy
2. Watching Regis and Kelly in the mornings while eating breakfast in my bathrobe
3. Drinking milk right out of the jug
4. Going over to someones house who has their cd's arranged alphabetically and randomly switching around a few of them
5. Spending 2 hours just wandering around Barnes and Noble, drinking over-priced coffee and looking through books

Happiness is a warm gun ... er, warm cup of coffee

I didn't get to sleep until 5 am last night -- something I haven't done since I was in college. I'm feeling it today, but not as much as I thought I would. And the biggest surprise of all was waking up to my bedroom bathed in sunshine. It's been so long since we've seen the sun here in Michigan that I almost forgot how much it can really lift you up. It was just the boost I needed.

I've really been feeling burnt out lately -- stuck in a rut, of sorts. I wouldn't say that I've been upset or sad, just sort of blah. Periods of blah are definitley necessary from time to time, it allows the mind to coast and build up for periods of colorful intensity, but I'm ready for the blahs to end. I'm ready for the color, the intensity.

I've noticed that I haven't really been reading or writing much lately, or doing anything that really awakens me mentally and spiritually. One of my New Year's Resolutions is to rediscover that creative side of myself -- spend more time doing things that challenge me.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. I desperately need some me time to rejuvinate my spirits and re-awaken my soul.

Confession:

Everytime I see the Royal Oak Fire Department truck parked on my street, waiting while one of the guys runs inside the market to buy food for the firehouse, the themesong for Rescue Me pops into my head.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

I'm out to brunch with my parents today, out to one of those places with a 10 page breakfast menu that takes you like an hour just to read, let alone decide on one item to order. I mull it over until the waitress finally gets around to me.
"I'll have the country-fried steak and eggs -- over-easy -- with hashbrowns and wheat toast."
"Well, Daddy's girl, aren't ya?"
I look over and my Dad, who's laughing at me. "That's exactly what I ordered."

So I crawl back into your open arms

I have certain music that has become, for one reason or another, tied to a particular time of year. Coldplay, for instance, is definitely a winter group. I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that the word cold is part of their name, it just happened that the first Coldplay cd I ever bought was in December of 2004. I played it over and over again that winter, driving around, looking at Christmas lights, trying to make sense of the disaster that was my relationship at the time.

Now that cd (and the one that followed it) seem best suited to cold, snowy nights. It feels somehow wrong to listen to them on a hot summer afternoon -- impossible almost, like the music makes no sense at all. But on a night like tonight, driving home as the snow falls heavy around me, Chris Martin can touch my soul and make me fall in love with him all over again.

The smell of lemony-goodness

I am having my basement carpet cleaned right now, so that my entire family can come over for Thanksgiving on Thursday and track mud and drippy gravy all over it. For some reason, the lemon smell is making me hungry. I feel like I'm in college and my annoying neighbors across the hall are smoking pot (again! without bothering with such annoyances as, oh I don't know, TOWELS ALONG THE BASE OF THE DOOR FRAME SO THAT THE ENTIRE HALLWAY DOES NOT TURN INTO A GIANT CLAM BAKE). It's that feeling where you're suddenly hungry and you don't know why.

Hey -- pot could be the greatest carpet cleaner ever. You never know.

That's my stapler

A week and a half ago I got fired. After they gathered all of us into the conference room and told us our positions were no longer necessary, they were very clear to tell us that we were being fired. You are not being laid-off, they kept emphasizing, you are being fired. Not that it made any difference. Either way it summed up to one thing for me -- no job, no paycheck.

Not that I even liked it there. Hate is a better word. Loath. Despise. I was underpaid and underappreciated. But still, it was nice to be able to pay my bills. And to feel like a productive member of society.

I've been fired one other time in my life -- when I was 17 years old and working at Blockbuster Video. I rented a rated-R movie to a girl who wasn't 18 and who's father flipped out to my manager. It was a stupid mistake on my part, and they canned my ass for it. But this -- this -- it feels different, worse somehow, to be fired for no real reason whatsoever. My position was no longer necessary. That's the only thing they would tell us. The whole thing reeked of bullshit.

It began to reek of an even more pungent bullshit when my ex-boss invited me out for a beer, to "explain their reasoning to me" -- they being decision makers out of his control, I would assume. About 3 beers in he started in on, "Well, Carolynne, what to you really want to do with your life?". He looked at me all petulantly, expectantly, like being fired was the best thing that ever happened to me and after he helped me figure that out I would find my real calling in life and owe it all to him. The whole thing was bullshit. These were bullshit beers! I was being consoled with BULLSHIT BEERS by a bullshit man, paid for on a bullshit company credit card.

I left mortgages because I was sick of feeling like I could be fired at the drop of a hat. I wanted something more stable. This irony is not lost on me.

Truth be told, this whole thing has made me miss mortgages. I miss working directly with clients and feeling like I'm actually helping people. I miss the pressure and the intensity of a direct sales environment. It's a high like no other when you make that big sale. Sure there are many lows, but man, that one big sale. That's all it takes, and then the low you went through to get there just doesn't matter anymore.

Besides all that, I'm sick of feeling like I was stuck in the movie Office Space. Bullshit or not, I'm free of that horrid place. FREE. And I'm loving every minute of it.

Random Thursday Confessions

The thing that I miss most about smoking (you know, aside from the NICOTENE) was that way my fingers used to smell after a few cigarettes. Something about that mixture of tobacco and warm skin -- it's just so comforting.